YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
