im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
