i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
