I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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