she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
