Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
