She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
