I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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