bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
