does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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