the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
