I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
