"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
