Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
