Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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