Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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