Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
