my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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