my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
