i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you traded sex for a burrito?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
