a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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