He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
