I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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