the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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