i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
