If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
