if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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