There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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