Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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