My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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