What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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