Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
