I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
