I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize
