Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
