I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
