Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
