don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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