I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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