Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Randomize
