I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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