Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
