Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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