In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
