Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
