I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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