Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
