Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
