Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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