if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
