well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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