I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Did I show you my penis last night?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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