Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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