wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
